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Ordinary Miracle - Aron's Free birth
Our first two babies were born in hospital. Surrounded by strangers, disrespected and hurt by people we didn’t know and would never see again. Their births were straight forward and ‘text book’ by hospital standards but all of us were disrespected, belittled and abused. Next time was going to be different.
Our Journey to Aron’s freebirth was not smooth. We agonised over our instinct to birth this baby alone and our conditioning that birth was dangerous and needed a ‘professional’.
I get asked often why Daniel and I decided to birth our baby with just our family nearby. My reasons are as follows:
I give up my power too easily, whether that be hospital or an Independent Midwife (maybe even a doula in my case?) I didn't want that to happen this time round. I felt it was time to grow up and take responsibility for my own body, my own baby, my own birth.
To stop blaming Everybody Else when things went wrong.
The intimacy of Freebirthing also appealed to me. I wanted an experience that brought Daniel and I as close, even closer, than the day we conceived.
To show my daughter and son that birth is normal and beautiful and powerful.
To give my baby the birth that he expected and deserved.
For something productive to come out of all the guilt surrounding my past births.
To find and realise my power as a women and a mother.
Here is our story:
I'm so sick of saying "I think this is it!" Poor Daniel. I've been saying it for a full week now. He goes to work every day expecting 'the call'.
I hate doubting myself like this. I so thought I would *know* when this baby was coming, it seems laughable that we ever thought we could time this birth enough to get to the beach. I'm feeling so much better knowing that I will be birthing here. Now I just have to surrender. What will be will be. Please let mum be ok. Please let the kids be ok. Please let ME be ok.
Please baby come on Sunday. Just give me my birthday (Saturday). I feel like shit. I don't want to move, I don't want to go anywhere, I KNOW this baby will be here soon. Just putting one foot in front of the other getting what I need done. Clean the bathroom for the fortieth time, wondering if I will use it this time.
I wake up to go to the toilet (nothing out of the ordinary!) vaguely registering that Jake hasn't crawled into bed with us yet. Start dozing and then notice a contraction building, no biggy. But this one feels different, definitely some pain, much more intense. I lay and wait. Another one. The next one I think I will get up, it hurts too much laying down. Its starting! I thought I would feel fear but right now I just feel excited! All the planning, talking, searching. What will be will be. I don't bother waking Daniel. He will need all the rest he can get. I sit at the computer on my birth ball reading through JB. Gaining the strength I need to get through the ever building contractions. The birth ball is fantastic. I start timing them, just out of interest. 5-6 minutes apart. In both my other labours they never got anymore than 5 minutes apart so I know I'm doing well and am well on the way to a baby.
I'll give Daniel till 3.30am. No I can handle this, I'll give him till 4. The last two contractions I have to stand to get through them. This is getting a little too much for me to do on my own. I wake Daniel. He is sitting in the study with me.
"Is this for real?" he asks.
I can't believe it, I've been up for hours labouring quietly and he asks "is this for real?" He has no way of knowing though.
"Yes" I say. "We will meet our baby today". The light in his eyes says it all.
He goes to get a coffee. Another contraction hits. Where is he?? I got him up to HELP me .
He is back, I get on my knees with my head on a little kiddies chair and Daniel gets on the computer to look for used cars!!
Every contraction Daniel pushes a heat pack into my lower back. It is HEAVEN. Still happily chatting in between but I now need silence during. The intensity is huge, I remember Veronicas method of picturing climbing a mountain. As Daniel has climbed in Nepal and we only recently watch a doco on Everest I thought this was fitting. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. It will end. It does end.
Starting to get harder to handle. I change positions a few times and start to get a bit snappy. Jake starts crying. Oh SHIT. But he is fine. Sitting in front of the heater or on his dads lap.
Its time to turn the computer off, I NEED you!!
Jake is drawing and pasting in front of me. Tiana walks in. "The baby is coming" Daniel tells her. I will never forget the look on her face.
She sits and holds my hand for about an hour and a half. Jake wanders off to watch a movie. I think Daniel is feeling it a bit now. Running between me and Jake.
I stand through a contraction and feel bub move down and turn. " Oh my god, I just felt bub move!!"
"You are so beautiful" I look at Daniel thinking he must be joking. There is light in his eyes.
Its time to get in the shower/bath. I hope it is anyway. I'm nervous I'm not far enough along and the hot water will run out at the most crucial time.
3 Contractions hit hard and fast in the bathroom which I struggle with cause I just want to get in the shower. I get in and have the water on my back which is great because it frees Daniel up for a second to deal with Jake. Tiana is still right there, holding my hand and patting my head. I verbalise through a few.
"What a stupid time to go into labour"
"I'm just so tired".
I have a feel and can feel what I think is a head. The waters are still intact. I get Daniel to feel. Definatly a head!
Very intense now but still 5 minutes apart so dealing fine. Every time I lay on my back they ease up a bit, when I get up on my knees they get more intense. I alternate a bit to give myself a break. Eventually I commit to the kneeling position. Really verbalising now. Concentrating on keeping it low. Getting really hot, I need a cold flannel. Rub my neck, NOT MY BACK!!
Daniel has to leave for Jake for a bit so Tiana re-wets the cold flannel for me. I chat to her before a contraction hits. DANIEL! I'm scared I will push and he won't be there!
Next contraction I bear down. Its time. Daniel gets me to move into a position that he can reach the baby. I'm happy to do that. Still chatting in between. Tiana looks a little nervous. I reassure her that everything is normal and mummy might yell a bit.
I'm feeling scared now. This REALLY F****** HURTS. Next contraction, again I bear down. Should I try not to? Maybe I'm not dilated enough oh fuck it. I PUSH.
POP, my waters break with a huge noise, bub crowns, I scream, bub slips back up. I think I scared him . Tiana looks sick. Again trying to reassure her, but Daniel is doing a great job there.
Next contraction and I push with everything I've got. The pushing peaks with me screaming, the burning is sooo intense, I feel like I am ripping in two. Tiana runs from the room.
Daniel reaches down.
"The heads here, its here!"
I guessed that!!
The contraction leaves me shaking and in pain. Bubs head is literally hanging out of me in the water. I reach down. An ear, oh my god that’s an ear! There is nothing so human as an ear.
I lay my head on the rim of the bath trying to get my head around getting the rest of this baby out. I can't do it. It hurts, how the fuck could you expect me to push again. Who goes willingly into that pain??
Daniel is whispering things in my ear, I can't hear them but I can feel myself drawing on his energy.
OH F*** HERE WE GO. The fear is HUGE, it threatens to overwhelm me. Can't stop now, I have to get this baby out. Massive push and he is out to his belly. Just f****** get out all ready! I push without a contraction and he slides the rest of the way out along with a lot of blood.
Daniels hands are waiting and he catches him. I look down to see a baby under the water, my hands are on him too and we lift him out together.
"Its a boy, we have a little boy! Its a boy!!" Daniels voice is cracking with emotion, tears?
He passes him to me, he is not breathing. But he is purple, that’s better than white isn't it? I'm not worried, I turn him onto his tummy over my arm and rub his back, calling him. Splutter, splutter squawk. Breathing.
I turn him over and cuddle him. In awe. That’s it. He is here. Daniel passes me a towel to put over him in the water and goes to get Jake and Tiana. She is a little freaked out about the blood in the bath but gets over it quite quickly. Jake just wants to hop in! I want to get out, but don't know how.
I wait for the placenta in the water. The contractions start again so I know it is coming but I still think it is a cruel joke. I don't know how to get the placenta out. I have to push but I really don't want to. I feel around to make sure it is right there. It feels like all my insides are at the opening of my vagina. I push a little and pull on the cord a little and birth a GIANT placenta.
Bub is feeding well, the kids leave, Daniel goes and tells mum who hangs around in the living room with the kids.
I get out of the bath with blood and water (and all the rest streaming down my legs). I sit on the little kids chair feeding while Daniel organises stuff. I feel really hot and dizzy. I get Tiana to RUN and get dad. She is a little legend.
Daniel gets there just in time to grab bub and me as I faint. I remember dreaming in my faint and I saw a friend of mine. She was saying 'welcome your baby'.
Daniel was calling me but there was no panic in his voice. It was gentle and caressing.
"you have to give the baby to mum, I need you."
He left me on the floor. I pressed my head to the cold tiles and knew I was fine. I just needed to lay down and feed my baby.
"What do you need?"
"To get to bed”.
Daniel didn't even flinch. As soon as I was tucked up in bed with my babe and some toast the bleeding started to ease enough that we weren't worried.
Mum was perfect. Lurking, getting me toast, reading to the kids. She took them to the park later so Daniel, me and the baby could have some quiet time.
I LOVE BIRTH.
The power and the pride I felt following this birth has never left me. It shines through every aspect of my life, even now. There are not many times when a woman can stand up and unashamedly shout from the roof tops “I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am a WOMAN”. That is the power of an unhindered birth.
Our first two babies were born in hospital. Surrounded by strangers, disrespected and hurt by people we didn’t know and would never see again. Their births were straight forward and ‘text book’ by hospital standards but all of us were disrespected, belittled and abused. Next time was going to be different.
Our Journey to Aron’s freebirth was not smooth. We agonised over our instinct to birth this baby alone and our conditioning that birth was dangerous and needed a ‘professional’.
I get asked often why Daniel and I decided to birth our baby with just our family nearby. My reasons are as follows:
I give up my power too easily, whether that be hospital or an Independent Midwife (maybe even a doula in my case?) I didn't want that to happen this time round. I felt it was time to grow up and take responsibility for my own body, my own baby, my own birth.
To stop blaming Everybody Else when things went wrong.
The intimacy of Freebirthing also appealed to me. I wanted an experience that brought Daniel and I as close, even closer, than the day we conceived.
To show my daughter and son that birth is normal and beautiful and powerful.
To give my baby the birth that he expected and deserved.
For something productive to come out of all the guilt surrounding my past births.
To find and realise my power as a women and a mother.
Here is our story:
I'm so sick of saying "I think this is it!" Poor Daniel. I've been saying it for a full week now. He goes to work every day expecting 'the call'.
I hate doubting myself like this. I so thought I would *know* when this baby was coming, it seems laughable that we ever thought we could time this birth enough to get to the beach. I'm feeling so much better knowing that I will be birthing here. Now I just have to surrender. What will be will be. Please let mum be ok. Please let the kids be ok. Please let ME be ok.
Please baby come on Sunday. Just give me my birthday (Saturday). I feel like shit. I don't want to move, I don't want to go anywhere, I KNOW this baby will be here soon. Just putting one foot in front of the other getting what I need done. Clean the bathroom for the fortieth time, wondering if I will use it this time.
I wake up to go to the toilet (nothing out of the ordinary!) vaguely registering that Jake hasn't crawled into bed with us yet. Start dozing and then notice a contraction building, no biggy. But this one feels different, definitely some pain, much more intense. I lay and wait. Another one. The next one I think I will get up, it hurts too much laying down. Its starting! I thought I would feel fear but right now I just feel excited! All the planning, talking, searching. What will be will be. I don't bother waking Daniel. He will need all the rest he can get. I sit at the computer on my birth ball reading through JB. Gaining the strength I need to get through the ever building contractions. The birth ball is fantastic. I start timing them, just out of interest. 5-6 minutes apart. In both my other labours they never got anymore than 5 minutes apart so I know I'm doing well and am well on the way to a baby.
I'll give Daniel till 3.30am. No I can handle this, I'll give him till 4. The last two contractions I have to stand to get through them. This is getting a little too much for me to do on my own. I wake Daniel. He is sitting in the study with me.
"Is this for real?" he asks.
I can't believe it, I've been up for hours labouring quietly and he asks "is this for real?" He has no way of knowing though.
"Yes" I say. "We will meet our baby today". The light in his eyes says it all.
He goes to get a coffee. Another contraction hits. Where is he?? I got him up to HELP me .
He is back, I get on my knees with my head on a little kiddies chair and Daniel gets on the computer to look for used cars!!
Every contraction Daniel pushes a heat pack into my lower back. It is HEAVEN. Still happily chatting in between but I now need silence during. The intensity is huge, I remember Veronicas method of picturing climbing a mountain. As Daniel has climbed in Nepal and we only recently watch a doco on Everest I thought this was fitting. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. It will end. It does end.
Starting to get harder to handle. I change positions a few times and start to get a bit snappy. Jake starts crying. Oh SHIT. But he is fine. Sitting in front of the heater or on his dads lap.
Its time to turn the computer off, I NEED you!!
Jake is drawing and pasting in front of me. Tiana walks in. "The baby is coming" Daniel tells her. I will never forget the look on her face.
She sits and holds my hand for about an hour and a half. Jake wanders off to watch a movie. I think Daniel is feeling it a bit now. Running between me and Jake.
I stand through a contraction and feel bub move down and turn. " Oh my god, I just felt bub move!!"
"You are so beautiful" I look at Daniel thinking he must be joking. There is light in his eyes.
Its time to get in the shower/bath. I hope it is anyway. I'm nervous I'm not far enough along and the hot water will run out at the most crucial time.
3 Contractions hit hard and fast in the bathroom which I struggle with cause I just want to get in the shower. I get in and have the water on my back which is great because it frees Daniel up for a second to deal with Jake. Tiana is still right there, holding my hand and patting my head. I verbalise through a few.
"What a stupid time to go into labour"
"I'm just so tired".
I have a feel and can feel what I think is a head. The waters are still intact. I get Daniel to feel. Definatly a head!
Very intense now but still 5 minutes apart so dealing fine. Every time I lay on my back they ease up a bit, when I get up on my knees they get more intense. I alternate a bit to give myself a break. Eventually I commit to the kneeling position. Really verbalising now. Concentrating on keeping it low. Getting really hot, I need a cold flannel. Rub my neck, NOT MY BACK!!
Daniel has to leave for Jake for a bit so Tiana re-wets the cold flannel for me. I chat to her before a contraction hits. DANIEL! I'm scared I will push and he won't be there!
Next contraction I bear down. Its time. Daniel gets me to move into a position that he can reach the baby. I'm happy to do that. Still chatting in between. Tiana looks a little nervous. I reassure her that everything is normal and mummy might yell a bit.
I'm feeling scared now. This REALLY F****** HURTS. Next contraction, again I bear down. Should I try not to? Maybe I'm not dilated enough oh fuck it. I PUSH.
POP, my waters break with a huge noise, bub crowns, I scream, bub slips back up. I think I scared him . Tiana looks sick. Again trying to reassure her, but Daniel is doing a great job there.
Next contraction and I push with everything I've got. The pushing peaks with me screaming, the burning is sooo intense, I feel like I am ripping in two. Tiana runs from the room.
Daniel reaches down.
"The heads here, its here!"
I guessed that!!
The contraction leaves me shaking and in pain. Bubs head is literally hanging out of me in the water. I reach down. An ear, oh my god that’s an ear! There is nothing so human as an ear.
I lay my head on the rim of the bath trying to get my head around getting the rest of this baby out. I can't do it. It hurts, how the fuck could you expect me to push again. Who goes willingly into that pain??
Daniel is whispering things in my ear, I can't hear them but I can feel myself drawing on his energy.
OH F*** HERE WE GO. The fear is HUGE, it threatens to overwhelm me. Can't stop now, I have to get this baby out. Massive push and he is out to his belly. Just f****** get out all ready! I push without a contraction and he slides the rest of the way out along with a lot of blood.
Daniels hands are waiting and he catches him. I look down to see a baby under the water, my hands are on him too and we lift him out together.
"Its a boy, we have a little boy! Its a boy!!" Daniels voice is cracking with emotion, tears?
He passes him to me, he is not breathing. But he is purple, that’s better than white isn't it? I'm not worried, I turn him onto his tummy over my arm and rub his back, calling him. Splutter, splutter squawk. Breathing.
I turn him over and cuddle him. In awe. That’s it. He is here. Daniel passes me a towel to put over him in the water and goes to get Jake and Tiana. She is a little freaked out about the blood in the bath but gets over it quite quickly. Jake just wants to hop in! I want to get out, but don't know how.
I wait for the placenta in the water. The contractions start again so I know it is coming but I still think it is a cruel joke. I don't know how to get the placenta out. I have to push but I really don't want to. I feel around to make sure it is right there. It feels like all my insides are at the opening of my vagina. I push a little and pull on the cord a little and birth a GIANT placenta.
Bub is feeding well, the kids leave, Daniel goes and tells mum who hangs around in the living room with the kids.
I get out of the bath with blood and water (and all the rest streaming down my legs). I sit on the little kids chair feeding while Daniel organises stuff. I feel really hot and dizzy. I get Tiana to RUN and get dad. She is a little legend.
Daniel gets there just in time to grab bub and me as I faint. I remember dreaming in my faint and I saw a friend of mine. She was saying 'welcome your baby'.
Daniel was calling me but there was no panic in his voice. It was gentle and caressing.
"you have to give the baby to mum, I need you."
He left me on the floor. I pressed my head to the cold tiles and knew I was fine. I just needed to lay down and feed my baby.
"What do you need?"
"To get to bed”.
Daniel didn't even flinch. As soon as I was tucked up in bed with my babe and some toast the bleeding started to ease enough that we weren't worried.
Mum was perfect. Lurking, getting me toast, reading to the kids. She took them to the park later so Daniel, me and the baby could have some quiet time.
I LOVE BIRTH.
The power and the pride I felt following this birth has never left me. It shines through every aspect of my life, even now. There are not many times when a woman can stand up and unashamedly shout from the roof tops “I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am a WOMAN”. That is the power of an unhindered birth.